my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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