Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
