if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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