Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
