Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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