She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
