He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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