watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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