This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
