I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
