I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
