Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
