I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
