And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
