I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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