there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
