you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You took a bar mat shot.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
