Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
