saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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