So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
