I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The feeling are messing with the penis
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
