just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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