i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
