is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
