remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
