I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
