Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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