with your own penis?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
