I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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