when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Randomize
