just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
