your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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