I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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