Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
