I can tuck mytits in my pants
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
