i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
