i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
