Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
