11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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