How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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