I smell stomach acid.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
