We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
