Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
