So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
