If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
