everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
