My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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