Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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