WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
