the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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