I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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